Parte de la entrevista para la VF de Italia
Two months ago you declared that you suffered from depression.
5 years ago I was under pressure because of work. In that period I separated from my manager Troy Carter. A long path to healing followed and I’m still not done with it, my body did not entirely heal from all the hard work and the stress of all those concerts. I feel condemned to live with this chronic pain but I don’t want compassion: there are a lot of people with the same problem, we are strong and fight everyday to do our best. Recently, I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder, a mental illness which is very hard to explain in an interview. It can be caused by an image, some words or a story that reminds me of all the hard work I did in the past and those simply make me panic. I live the trauma as if today I am in the same position as 5 years ago but it’s not like that, today I’m here and I have a fantastic team that takes care of my body, of my mental illness, of my dignity as a woman who is free to decide when to use my body. Today I should be fine but this mental illness sometimes doesn’t let me live the reality, it scares you.
What was scaring you?
During the Born This Way Ball Tour I was very scared but I didn’t know why. I somehow discovered that it had something to do with my brain, but it took me 5 years and many psychiatrists to understand it. Today I’m here but I fight everyday. With Joanne I want people to know that I’m human, and no better than them, but also not less. People look up to me, this is why I decided to talk about my problems.
Do you think the sexual assault you experienced had something to do with your depression?
I suffer from depression since I was very young and the sexual assault I experienced at the age of 19 was certainly a trauma. But my complicated post-traumatic disorder è mainly due to the fact that my illness was ignored for years. During the Born This Way Ball Tour I explained to my management many times that I was sick; I asked for help to people from the music industry who were working for me, no one ever listened to me. No one ever understood how bad it was that I was sexually assaulted by a producer. I was not protected, and everything was going on as if nothing happened.
The show must go on.
Exactly, everybody wants to keep making money and pretend like nothing happened. If no one listens to you for such a long time, however, your body and your mind will stop at some point; and you don’t who you are anymore, you cannot express what you feel. Because it’s a mental illness and you’re literally paralyzed. And then I broke my hip during a concert: when I woke up after the surgery, my manager was not there and I felt even less loved. To my label I was just a money machine. Since that time something changed in my mind, it’s proved that some parts of my brain are connected to some parts of my body. In my mind, fear and panic have a strong and quick impact on me, so if someone takes from behind, even if it’s a normal thing to do, I panic and I overreact. It happens because I live everytime the same lack of cure and attention which I suffered from.
In the last 5 years you had a relationship with Taylor Kinney. Did he help you?
Yes, Taylor was always very loving and he still is. He is still a good friend and he keeps being my love. My family also helped a lot.
She stops. She’s crying.
And also all the people that work with me today. But it was important to get rid of the man that was controlling my life without worrying about me. I hope that by telling this story men and women of all ages will be inspired of getting rid of people like him. Understanding your pain, not being too afraid even though it hurts, embrace and fight it: this is what my songs to aim at.
